How to be a good mom

The internet is flooded with blog posts, parenting articles, pictures, lists, etc on what it means to be a good mom and how to be a good mom. Now, if you're anything like me (and most moms I know) you'll have many moments, or days, or months, where you don't really feel like a good mom. And reading these things leads to simultaneously feeling encouraged and discouraged. (I know, women are weird, right?) I'm waffling between thinking, "yeah, I can do this mom thing!" and criticizing myself for not already doing all those things.

Lately I've been much more on the feeling-like-a-failure side of this fence. My quite energetic, tantrum-prone, strong-willed child was going through a difficult phase, and I was having a rather hard time dealing with it. After lots of introspection, prayer, reading parenting books/articles, talking to my husband and my mom, I'm feeling a bit better. Why? Because after all of this I've come up with a fabulous list for you that is a "sure-fire guaranteed way to be a good mom."

Ready for it? Here's my list:

1. Love your kids and let them know you love them.



Seriously, that's what it all boils down to. Sure, there are tons of different ways to do this. And I certainly haven't perfected it yet. But at the end of the day (or at the end of many years when your child is all grown up) what they're going to remember is that you loved them.

Here is my mom with her kids, all grown up. We love each other :) And can be a bit ridiculous at times, like ambushing her when we're supposed to be taking family photos. My mom will be the first to tell you that she wasn't a "perfect" mom. But I never doubted that she loved me. And we all turned out ok. I think. :)

I remember so vividly when my babies were born, and holding them for the first time, and being filled with more love than I ever imagined. And it's that powerful, eternal love that I try to hold onto, to bring back to the surface, in the moments that are a bit more challenging.

Somehow in the chaotic monotony of everyday life, we still know that we love our children - that never changes - but sometimes it takes a backseat to dealing with life. Yet I've discovered that if I actually let that love take the steering wheel, the road gets so much smoother.

I usually don't get particularly religious on this blog, but I don't feel I can talk about this subject any other way. But I think the ideas and principles can apply to everyone.
I was reading in Corinthians recently, the chapter on charity, and some things struck me a bit differently than usual.  The beginning of the chapter lists all sorts of wonderful attributes and acts, but then says if you have all these attributes, do all these wonderful things, but don't have charity, it's worth nothing.
So we can be the best mom in the world based on how clean our house is, how smart our kids are, how picture-perfect everything is, but if we don't love our kids, and show them that love, none of it matters.

Lest anyone thinks I'm claiming to have all this parenting stuff perfected, here's a classic example of how not "picture perfect" my life is… :) Most of our pictures are blurry because the kids won't hold still, they aren't looking, or are crying, or are being crazy. Pretty sure I'm not wearing any makeup. And yes, I think my baby is trying to eat his brother. You know how it is.

The next thing that struck me from this chapter was the oft-quoted line: "Charity never faileth." Now I know it means here that charity is dependable, can be counted on to not vanish, cease, etc. as the verse goes on to say. But it struck me that it can be applied here in another way:

If we have charity, we cannot fail. If we show love toward our children, we cannot fail.

Will this automatically make everything in life perfect? No, of course not. There are still the daily challenges of life, the frustrations, the sleeplessness, the piles of laundry and dishes, the tantrums (from you or your kids - I won't judge), and all that comes with just being human. But if we're trying to act from a place of love and charity, it gets a lot easier. When I find myself acting out of frustration, anger, fear, or any of the other negative emotions that take hold, I try to take a step back, take a deep breath (or 20), and come back to the situation from a place of love.

I recently read a parenting book that I actually recommend: Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey. She breaks parenting down into "The 7 Powers of Self-Control" which coincide with "7 Discipline Skills", which lead to "7 Values for Living."

As I was reading, especially the 7 Values for Living, I couldn't help but think that these were basically characteristics of Christ. She doesn't connect it to religion or religious beliefs in her book, but how could I not see the attributes of Christ in such ideas as compassion, integrity, empathy, and allowing our children to exercise free will, but teaching them to act responsibly?

So this brings me back to 1 Corinthians 13, and how the attributes of charity are the attributes of Christ, and therefore  the attributes of a good parent.

Charity suffereth long - be patient with yourself, and with your children, and with the never-ending cleaning, diaper changing, midnight-feedings, laundry, "why mom?"s, homework help, and everything else that comes with being a mom.

and is kind -  show them love and kindness in your words and actions

charity envieth not -  this one's a bit different in a parenting approach. To me, it means to not compare to those other moms out there who seem to have it all together. We all have good times and bad times, and not everyone sees the bad times. Just keep keep having charity!

charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up - be humble, willing to learn from your mistakes, and apologize. Sometimes it's hard for me to apologize to my kids; I somehow got it in my head that they should think I'm perfect and know everything. But I'm not, and I don't, and I need to set that example for them of humility and teachability.

Doth not behave itself unseemly - apply this one how you will. Maybe try to keep your tantrums to screaming in your pillow in private :)

seeketh not her own - put the needs of your family and children first. Yes, there are times where you absolutely need to take care of yourself to be capable of taking care of your family. But (at least for me) there are other times where I'm just being lazy/selfish and would rather do what I want than what my children need. 

is not easily provoked - hmm, that temper of my son's? He gets it from me. This is where the taking a calm breath(s) comes in, or sometimes a time out for both of us! That way, when I/we have regained composure, we can better deal with the problem in love not anger.

thinketh no evil - I'm gonna take a little liberty on this one from what perhaps the actual Biblical meaning is, and apply one of the ideas from the book mentioned above. We need to assume positive intent in our children's behavior, rather than "thinking evil" of them or their behavior. If we assume negative motives when they misbehave, it leads to more conflict. But if we ask their intent, or assume positive intent (e.g. "you hit your brother because he took your toy and that upset you" rather than "you hit your brother because you're mean and horrible") then we can work together to solve problems instead of working against each other.

rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in truth - find joy in the beauty of parenting, the little moments of sweet, pure love; another scripture says "truth is knowledge of things as they are" - find joy in the now. Find something every day to rejoice in. Even if it's just one thing. Even if it's just that you made it through another day!

beareth all things - this one goes nicely with "suffereth long" for me. There will be tough days. But keep charity in your heart, and it becomes so much easier to bear!

believeth all things, hopeth all things - Have faith! In yourself, and in Christ. Over these past few months, I've come to know that I can't handle being a mom on my own strengths, knowledge, or abilities. But I don't have to. I already have the perfect example, and I just need to have the faith to follow Him.

  

endureth all things - I don't think I need to say much more on this one, other than you can do it! Refer back to "suffereth long" and "beareth all things."

Charity never faileth - Like I said before, if we have love, we cannot fail.

Being a good mom (or dad, or person) is less about the things you do, and more about the person you're trying to be. 

10 tips for new moms

Having just made it through the first two weeks with a newborn for the second time, I've been thinking about what helped me get through it, and what advice I'd give to moms in their first few weeks.  I feel like a lot of times we're coached so carefully through the pregnancy and delivery, and then the sweet nurses send us home from the hospital, and we have a base knowledge of what to do with a baby, but when it comes right down to the whole being a mom of a newborn, we're kind of thinking "What now?"  So here's my list of ten things I'd tell new moms about getting through the first week or two with a newborn.

1. Stock up on food before the baby is born.  Frozen meals, fast or easy meals (lots of cereal, pasta, etc.), and snacks are so nice to have around when you're either too tired to cook, or baby is crying, or you need to get off your feet because you're supposed to be recovering.  Even if you know you'll have family or friends helping you out with meals, it's still nice to have some backups, and food for breakfast, lunch, and snacks.

2. 3 hour nap limit.  Don't let baby sleep longer than three hour stretches during the day.  Babies are almost always more nocturnal when they're born, and this will usually help sort that out, and encourage their longer stretches of sleep to be at night.  And they also need to eat!  I know there are lots and lots of books and theories out there on sleep schedules, but this has really helped with my babies.  Both of them were sleeping at least one 4-5 hour stretch at night (followed by 3 hour stretches) fairly consistently by about 1 1/2 weeks old.  There will be good nights and bad nights, but limiting nap length during the day, coupled with swaddling (see my next tip) really helps with getting new babies to sleep in slightly longer stretches at night, and just start to get on a good sleep schedule.

3. Learn how to swaddle.  The biggest bonus to swaddling: babies love being swaddled!  They're used to being all warm and snug!  They'll sleep much better all swaddled tight. There are lots of different types of swaddle blankets that you can buy at baby stores, but I feel like they're usually overpriced, especially when a regular receiving blanket will do the trick.  And if you're anything like me, you got lots and lots of receiving blankets from friends and family.  See my previous post for how to swaddle with a receiving blanket.  You, baby, and your wallet will all be happier if you learn how to swaddle.

4. Put the scale away!  At least for a few weeks.  I know, we're all anxious to get back to our pre-pregnancy weight, and to wear real clothes again.  But those first weeks are all about recovering and adjusting to life with your little one, not trying to diet and exercise.  Especially if you're breastfeeding, you really shouldn't be dieting.  Eat healthy, of course - that's best for you and baby!  But don't start obsessing over the numbers on the scale for a while.  It takes time.

5. Invest in a sling and/or bouncer seat.  My babies have loved both.  It's a great way to keep them feeling snuggled, and keep them close, but still have your hands free for a little while.  Even as tiny as they are, your arms do start to get tired after holding them for hours.  The sling is great for keeping them right with you, especially if you're going out.  And the bouncer is great for when you just need a little break, or need to take care of an older child, or cook at the stove, etc.
*Update: I would also add a Moby wrap or other type of baby carrier that allows baby to be snuggled up to Mommy if you prefer those over a sling. Just something to keep them snug and give your arms a break.

All snuggled up in his sling.  Don't let the disgruntled face fool you - he really does love it!  He just didn't like the sun in his face for the picture.

6. Don't give up on breastfeeding.  It's hard, especially if this is your first baby, or this baby just doesn't seem to be figuring it out.  But there's a learning curve, so don't give up too quickly.  Give it at least a few weeks, and talk to your doctor or a lactation consultant if you have serious concerns that your baby's not getting enough milk, or if there seem to be other problems.  But the benefits of breastfeeding, both physically and emotionally for both you and baby, are so worth it if you're able to do it.  Plus, formula is crazy expensive!

7. Strategically place pacifiers and burp cloths.  You don't want to have to go hunting for them in the middle of the night, or when you're covered in spit up, or when you're just feeling too tired to get up and find one.  I keep a pacifier in the crib, the bouncer, the diaper bag, and a few spares in the hanging organizer in the nursery.  Keep a burp cloth on hand anywhere you feed the baby - on the couch, the rocking chair, in the diaper bag, etc.

3 in 1!  Swaddled, in a bouncer seat, with a pacifier at the ready!

8. Buy Pampers Swaddlers newborn diapers.  I don't usually like to promote specific brands, but these are definitely the best newborn diapers I've found.  They fit better, leak less often, and are just really great compared to the other newborn diapers I've used.  To be honest, I don't love Pampers in bigger sizes, but the newborn ones I absolutely recommend.

9. Get out of the house.  It feels great to get to sit around in your sweats all the time.  But only for so long before you'll probably start to go a little crazy.  After a week of basically just sitting around all day (you'll be doing lots of sitting with as often as newborns eat!) I need to get out of the house.  Obviously, you still need to be taking it easy - you just had a baby! - but maybe take baby for his first walk around the neighborhood.  Or maybe just go for a drive.  Or leave baby home with Daddy and go to the grocery store, or spoil yourself with a pedicure.  Just something so that you have to shower, and get dressed, and feel slightly more human again, and get a little change of scene.

10. Snuggle!  I think every mom would agree with this one.  Snuggle lots and lots.  Babies love to be snuggled - feeling warm and secure, and hearing your heartbeat (which they've been listening to for the last nine months).  Plus it encourages bonding between you and your baby.  And there's something so irresistibly precious when they're so tiny and new.  Skin-to-skin, or kangaroo care, is a great way to snuggle, promoting bonding and breastfeeding, and helping regulate a newborn's body temperature, breathing, and heartbeat.  (Even though it's often talked about for premie babies, it's good for all newborns.) Be sure to get Daddy in on the snuggling too!

Fellow moms, what tips would you add?

how to swaddle a baby

I'm working on a "tips for new moms" post, but I thought I'd give you a little preview of one of my absolute favorite tips for moms (or dads) of newborns: swaddling!

Swaddling helps babies feel snug and secure, and keeps them warm of course.  Most babies love being swaddled, and sleep much better wrapped up tight in a blanket.  Plus they look like adorable little baby burritos!

I know there are lots of different swaddling blankets you can buy at all of the various baby stores, but a simple receiving blanket will do the trick.  They're usually cheaper, just as easy to use, and chances are you got a lot of them from baby showers and other well-wishers.

Not sure how to swaddle without the velcro, zippers, etc?  It's really easy!

                   1. Lay the blanket out flat
                   2. Place baby centered at the top of the blanket, with the blanket at the top of their shoulders

(Grumpy baby because he's not wrapped up in his blankie)

                   3. Pull the left side of the blanket across baby, and tuck it under the opposite shoulder.

(Make sure it's pretty tight with each fold/tuck, or they'll wiggle their way out and get grumpy about it! And make sure their arms are at their side or crossed over their stomach.  If they're up by their face, they'll wiggle out.)

                   4. Now pull the right side across, and tuck it under their other shoulder.

                   5. Open out the bottom of the blanket so you can see the "inside" of the blanket

(Also good if you want your child to look like a mermaid/merman...)

                   6. Pull the bottom up so it meets the top of the blanket, just under baby's chin.

                   7. Tuck one side under baby

                   8. Now tuck the other side, pulling to make sure they're all nice and snug

Ta-da!  Happy baby!  See the little turquoise tail on the right side?  That's from the final tuck - give it a bit of tug to tighten everything up.

things you never thought you (or anyone) would say

Life with any toddler is a bit, well, crazy.  Life with my toddler is always crazy, and often hilarious.  That is, if I can stop and appreciate the humor of it all.  So in an attempt to do that (and not tear my hair out for having to tell him to stop doing something for the fiftieth time), I decided to start a list of things I've had to say to him - often on multiple occasions - that are phrases I doubt anyone ever thought they would say or hear.

Don't pour water on the vacuum.
No driving cars on the piano.
Don't wipe your chili on your toes.
Don't stand in your potty.
Please take a bite instead of licking the butter off your toast.
Don't head-butt the floor.  Or the cupboard.
We have to take your clothes off before you can get in the tub.
You can't drink goldfish crackers.
People don't wear leashes like dogs.
Don't put your feet in your cereal.
Don't put dirt in your ears.
You have yogurt in your eyebrow.  And your nose.

And here are just a few pictures of my boy being his crazy, messy, hilarious self.

(Yes, he's wearing the dog leash.  And yes, he did that all on his own.)

potty training survival kit

We've been prepping for potty training for a few weeks now - bought a potty, bought some underwear (Buzz Lightyear - his favorite!!), had Jack practice sitting on the potty, talking about it a lot to get Jack excited, reading lots of articles and blogs about potty training.

So when Daddy had a day home from work this week, we decided we should go for it!  But we had a few more things we needed to get before we began.  So Jack and I made a little trip to the dollar store to pick up the rest of the essentials that would comprise our "Potty Training Survival Kit."

Based on my now vast experience (2 days can sure seem vast!) here are some things you might want for your own potty training survival kit:

• a potty seat or training seat 
• underwear 
• cheap plastic table cloths to cover carpet
• juice boxes
• books, toys, movies, and/or other activities
• stickers, new toys, and/or edible treats (we used marshmallows and chocolate chips)
• paper towels, rags, or cloth diapers to clean up accidents
• something to keep you occupied, but not distracted (I grabbed a few books to read)
• PATIENCE!!!  

And thus fully armed with our "Potty Training Survival Kit" we began.

We decided to try the "bare bum" method, so we kept Jack to a fairly confined space (with carpets covered with the plastic tablecloths) to make it easier to monitor him and prevent accidents.  He stayed pretty happy with all the toys and things, and actually sat on his potty for decent stretches while reading books or watching movies.  We gave him some stickers for sitting on his potty like a big boy!

When he did start to go "pee-pee" we would put him on the potty and tell him to go there, but I think he just got confused and a little scared...

Day 2 went a bit better in that he only had 2 real accidents, but he also never actually went in the potty either.  He just held it until I put on a diaper for his nap or bed time.  So I suppose we've succeeded in teaching him not to pee on the floor, which would be great if we planned to just let him run naked all the time and didn't need him to use a toilet.

But since he just got so upset every time I put him on the potty when he started to go somewhere else, we decided to take a break from potty training today.  Maybe we'll try again tomorrow.  Maybe we'll wait a little longer.  He is still on the young side for potty training.  But in spite of this, I hold by my "potty training kit" and think the problem may be that he's just not quite sure yet what it is we want him to do on the potty.

*Update: We took a break from potty training for a little while, but came back to it a few months after this post, using the same "potty training kit" and method. And it worked! He was ready by then, and now he's about 90% there - very occasional accidents, and still wearing a diaper at night, but mostly using his big boy potty!